There are some famous C words out there in the world.

Some make Americans deeply uncomfortable, and I use them more than I probably should.

Today, though, I want to talk about the first letter of the word "Consistency".

And yes, I know it’s a bit rich of me to write a whole newsletter about consistency when, last Sunday, for the first time in 15 weeks, I didn’t send you one.

I had a streak of fifteen Sundays in a row, like clockwork. And then nothing. Tumbleweed.

Yes, I had reasons… good ones, even.

It was the tail end of a month of Jewish holidays, which means cooking and hosting on an almost industrial scale, week after week.

Last Friday, I also gave a 55-minute keynote (more on that later, because I’m proud of it and I want you to watch it). Then Saturday and Sunday, it was Simchat Torah (another Jewish holiday… thank God the last one for a while!).

Also, California was still peak summer in October, sweltering high-90s heat that sucked sweaty balls, and not in the fun way.

My acupuncturist Aruna swears the body feels the seasons turning, that your energy dips as summer gives way to fall. I have no scientific evidence for this whatsoever, but my knackered body last week says she’s probably onto something.

So I was cooked. And I hadn’t cued a newsletter up. I fell off.

Which is actually the perfect place to start, because here’s what I’ve learned about consistency this year:

Consistency is never about being flawlessly, boringly perfect forever.

It’s about getting back on the horse after you fall off.

That's exactly what I’m doing right now: writing to you a week late and not beating myself up about it (too much).

I’ve been on a consistency kick all year.

My Peloton app tells me it’s been 46 weeks since I started a streak of consistent exercise. That first domino, fitness, knocked over a whole row of others too.

My supplements….Blocked-out time on my calendar for writing…. Proper, phones-away time with my family…. Actually showing up at synagogue. Getting my nutrition properly dialed in.

What I’ve learned over the past 46 weeks is that there are two ways to blow consistency, and they look like opposites, but both lead to failure.

The first is being too strict. Perfectionism.

If I set the bar at 100%, I’ll likely miss it because I’m human, not a Swiss watch, and the risk is that I'll decide I’m rubbish at everything and quit.

Then there’s being too loosey-goosey. If I let myself off the hook too often and too generously, climbing back on starts to feel like scaling a cliff. So I don’t.

The sweet spot is 80/20.

Consistent 80% of the time, messy human the other 20%.

That 20% isn’t me failing at my plan; it IS the plan. It’s what makes the plan livable rather than miserable.

And 80/20 applies just as well to squats and salads as it does to relationships.

Nobody is a perfect partner.

Nobody shows up fully 100% of the time, I promise.

The sooner you let that shit go, the happier you’ll be.

I had a teacher back in sex school (which is what I call the Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education, because it’s funnier and less of a mouthful). Anyway, she once dropped a statistic that may well have come straight out of her arse, but which rang completely true: in a GOOD relationship, partners are disappointed in each other about 30% of the time.

Thirty percent. In a good relationship.

That’s roughly 9 grumpy days a month where your beloved is, frankly, getting right on your wick, and the relationship is still a raging success.

(Yes, I know disappointment doesn’t actually pool into tidy whole days. It’s a thought experiment. Don’t @ me.)

Isn’t that a bloody relief, though? It means you don’t have to be delighted with each other all the time. You just have to be mostly good, and not quit.

But mostly good doesn’t happen by accident, and this is important (so if you’ve just been skimming, this is the bit to read properly):

You cannot be consistent at something you’ve never explicitly decided to do.

Saying “I want to be consistent at fitness” is utterly meaningless. Saying “I want to do 3 strength days a week and 2 days of mobility and cardio” is a goal you can hold yourself to, consistently.

You have to decide what you’re being consistent AT, then track it, then show up for it.

So when couples come into my studio and tell me they want more consistent sex, I start by asking them how consistent they are at intimacy.

Blank faces, usually.

Most people still think sex and intimacy are the same thing. They’re not.

“We’re very consistent about watching our show on Netflix together” is not the answer I’m looking for. Roommates can do that too, so what? It’s not intimacy.

Intimacy is intentional, quality time together, with a hint of frisson.

I genuinely don’t care what shape it takes. Go dancing. Do acro-yoga (filthy-hot couple activity, for the record). Tie each other up. Eye-gaze. Have an actual conversation about something that matters, your passions and your dreams, not the mortgage and whose turn it is to put out the bins.

Get dressed up for fancy drinks. Beat each other senseless at pinball. Soak in a hot tub while playing footsie.

Whatever it is, it has to be intentional, it has to connect you, it has to be a bit fun or relaxing, and it needs both of you to plan for it and actually show up.

And I will bet you almost anything that if there’s no fun intimacy in your life, you’re not having good sex.

Possibly none at all.

Because who wants to sleep with someone they’ve got no real connection with?

So intimacy, like fitness, like these newsletters, runs on consistency.

It means sitting down together, naming what you both want more of, and showing up for it most of the time.

And when one of you has a rotten week and shows up badly? That’s your 20-30%. That’s the slice of cake in an otherwise good week of eating.

You don’t burn the whole thing down over one bad patch. You notice, you forgive yourself, you climb back on the horse. (See. Full circle. Like me and this newsletter.)

Now. About that keynote.

Last week I gave the closing keynote at the Women’s Networking Alliance Fall Mixer. They gave me 45 minutes, but I’m a brat, so I took 55 minutes to talk about The Dominatrix Principle: what power, consent, and control have taught me about building a business, and a life, that lasts.

In it, I walk through my six dominant feminine archetypes: the Mother, the Teacher, the Authoritarian, the Seductress, the Goddess, and the Queen.

Every one of those archetypes is a different route to getting yourself to actually show up.

Consistency isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some people get moving when they’re mothered. Some need cold, hard data. Some need a dose of tough love. Some need desire and magnetism pulling them forward. Some need a deeper meaning; some need a strategy.

The skill is knowing which version of yourself to summon to get your own backside on the wagon.

​👉 WATCH THE KEYNOTE​

It’s one of the best things I’ve put out lately. Make a cup of something, and give it 55 minutes (or less on 1.5x speed).

And if this whole consistency business has landed a bit too close to the bone…if you and your person keep meaning to be more intimate and keep not doing it, or you keep falling off your own wagon and giving yourself a hard time about it, then maybe you need to schedule a session with me. We work out what you actually want, which version of you gets you there, and how to show up for it without the perfectionist death spiral kicking in.

​👉 BOOK A SESSION WITH ME

As for me? I fell off the newsletter wagon for a week. And here I am, back on the horse, Sunday morning, in your inbox, right where I said I’d be.

That’s the C word. Mostly. Not perfectly.

What’s the one thing you want to be 80% consistent at this month? Hit reply and tell me. Naming it is step one and gives you an accountability anchor.

Lots of love, and welcome to fall (allegedly),
Sylvie

P.S. I used the word “consistent” (or “consistency”) a LOT in this newsletter. Count them, hit reply with your number, and the first few of you to get it exactly right get a little free something from me 😉